So class yesterday was interesting. We talked about existentialism which I find to be something that I don't think a lot of people connect with but I feel like it's something that is pretty simple but a powerful thought. The existentialists make you think about if life is all about control over your choices or if life was about circumstances. I think to a certain extent that you are dealt a hand in life, or your circumstances, and you could be limited by it. I understand there are studies that show based on where you are born, economic status and opportunity, there are only a limited number of options. Of course there are exceptions. However there's another part of you that is choice. It's what drives you to be better. The feel of complete control over what happens. I don't think everyone is away of how freeing and in a way overwhelming choice is. I think people like to blame circumstance when choice is the real reason.

It's also interesting that my ex wants to be back in my life. He finally apologized last night via a message on facebook. He said he was wrong and no one should treat me poorly. He wanted to go out again. I said that I was only comfortable maybe talking via e-mails but I needed some time. I said I hope that he finds happiness in being able to get settled down again. I'm not sure what's going to happen but is it possible for people to change? I have always felt the answer was yes that people could always realize their potential and then choose to change to be better and happier in life. Then I now feel like people don't always the ability to change. I guess I have a hard time accepting people for who they are. I feel like minor bad things and hardships are so easy to overcome with choice. I'm not so sure people can always see how easy it is and I'd like to find out how to make it easier for people to see. Something to work on.

I did get most of the kitchen cleaned and took out all the trash and recycling. I had be more lax on that then necessary since my break up and I wonder if it's because once things get really cleaned by me for the first time then it's truly feeling like it's over. While I feel like it's more symbolic than it probably is I have to say it's nice to have a clean kitchen again. It's relaxing just to see.

Blog beginning.

I tend to think that this is going really to be more about me as many blogs are. I really don't mind if people are going to read this but I find it's easier if I write as is I were talking with someone. I also don't mind sharing my life and what I'm going through since I find that most things that people go through are shared in some way, if not the exact way, with someone else. Also I think if I'm not able to share something I shouldn't really be doing it anyway. Shared/secret things to me just mean that I'm shameful of it which I don't feel like I should be shameful of even my biggest mistakes. They are just mistakes and everyone has those too and it's not the end of the world.

So, the beginning of a blog. I don't need to say how old I am or anything and I'm just going to jump right into what I'm working on right now.

I started this blog because today is the day that I shut the phone off for my ex-boyfriend. He has things he needs to work through but was being incredibly unfair in the way that he blames me for everything. We actually broke up 2 weeks ago in classic drama style. We had "the talk" one night and I went to sleep since I was tired from crying and he decided to go out and get drunk with a cousin. This makes it more problematic when he's an alcoholic and had "promised" me he wouldn't drink anymore. I woke up at 3am to him blasting music and playing video games and drinking from a bottle of wine. He was super jovial saying all of his new friends were rooting for us. I asked why he did what he did and he said "I needed to have fun and that's how I have fun, getting away from you". or something similar. I recorded it on my phone to refresh my memory if I ever started to miss the good times and therefore convienently forget the bad times.

Yesterday he wanted me to give him my playstation so he wasn't so bored at his mom's. I wouldn't have a dvd player since that's what I use for that. He mentioned that I gave him false hope and was using the ps3 as a power trip and how messed up and full of shit I was. I stopped texting that night since I wasn't going to get pulled into another match of who is right. The next morning I asked him to apologize for the way that he spoke to me. I figure there are better ways to say things than name calling and such. I don't mind if someone thinks differently than I do but I'm not full of shit or playing mind games and on a power trip. I said my concern was that while he wanted to borrow it for a little bit I could see where he has new reasons to keep having the system and it would be increasingly difficult to get it back. So when I said no the temper tantrum was thrown and what not. He said this morning he didn't think he did anything wrong. So I think okay nothing is really changing. When we broke up even though he called me horrible things I let him stay until he was able to find a ride or place to stay. He didn't realize I didn't have to do that and was calling me a bitch mid-day to the point I had to throw him out. Same situation here. His phone was on my line and I was paying for it since August when we combined our phones onto one account. Today was 2 weeks with him not finding a way to get the phone over to him. He didn't qualify for getting his own line and I didn't want to pay the cancellation fee and I felt bad that he was going to lose his number. Well after not apologizing he said I had to find a better plan for him so his dad could pay for it and didn't look up plans on his own. I called and found out the prices would be worse than before if he wanted a separate own line since I was under a grandfathered deal. He said that it again was my fault this was happening and I ruined any chance of getting back together. I was missing out on him. I said so I'll be cancelling your phone now just so you know. His last words to me were "Fuck you". Okay... thanks for making me sure that my actions were the right ones.

I'm surprised at how fast it is to cancel the line. It was instant and now I'm sitting and wanting to talk to him. He was someone I talked to for a year and we lived together for 10 months. So I guess the real reason I started the blog was to talk to someone about it. I feel like talking over and over to friends to me is cathartic but not the type that I need right now. Blogging is my chance to be the person that gets to talk at length about what I'm doing and how I'm doing.

Enough about him for now. I feel better just getting out.

Tonight I have class. It's not exciting by any means but we are talking about existentialism and hopefully that will stimulate some conversation. I'm going to school to complete my masters degree in counseling.

Things I'd like to work on in the next week:
1) Clean up my apartment really well to remove how things looked when I was with my ex. Right now it's just a bunch of holes of where his life was taken from mine.

2) Write down a work out schedule, I want to think healthier and I know if I wrote down what times I had to work out would help since I already blocked time out for this specific task rather than "sometime today".

3) Continue to reinforce my decisions were made out of love for both my ex and myself. I deserve better than I was getting and he needs to be with someone who fits him better.

Love and Light.